Finally, a third factor comes from the time difference itself. Thank you for pointing out a possibly useful function of I-statements. Inaction breeds doubt and fear. And, in fact, I expressed skepticism about our ability to create different emotional reactions in others simply by switching between you-statements and I-statements. Sometimes you’ll flow effortlessly into another task. Even critics such as Gottman do not recommend against using I-Statements and active listening; they only wish to warn us not to expect profound results. Social communication has many dimensions to it, and with those many dimensions, ambiguities. Why comment on your "feelings" especially in the work place? And guess what? Feelings of upset are very likely to surface if a colleague does not deliver as promised but that should hardly be the incentive to behaving professionally. Free thesaurus definition of the belief that you are better than other people from the Macmillan English Dictionary - a free English dictionary online with thesaurus and with pronunciation from Macmillan Education. Act. And would each personality type will respond differently as the situation changes? What You did is secondary. And now that you know you can act accordingly (and really go for it!). But one can ask in an aggressive way or an assertive way. The I-message is just one tool. Join Macmillan Dictionary on Twitter and Facebook for daily word facts, quizzes and language news. We can always revise and revisit once we’ve acted. A major marital study reported in Hahlweg and Jacobson (1984) found that couples who received intensive training in active listening (which includes the use of I-Statements) showed a decrease in negative interaction but no increase in positive interaction. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, which illustrates what can be wrong with I-statements. It may take a little practice to use this strategy to consistently take action. Take them off your list or maintain the healthy habit of doing something about them everyday. Partners in unhappy marriages respond by escalating the attack. The point of the "I statement" is to define self and distinguish between thinking and feeling. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Speaking from the marketing and advertising world, the "you" word is extremely powerful. I commend your encouragement of students who have difficulty with self-expression (and possibly the low self-esteem that often goes with that) to use I-statements. If a colleague is holding back a project because he/she is not following through on a commitment, I found the YOU STATEMENT in your article far more respectful and bottom line than the I STATEMENT. Maybe someone quit and you’re now doing two different jobs at the same time. With respect to goals, projects, and other to-do items, it’s easy to get stuck too long in the thinking and planning phase. Not doing anything is the same as intending to do something but never actually doing it. Tone, face twitch or hand wave will give it away. An I-Statement is still meant to manipulate or control the other person's behavior, and the hope that your odds of successfully manipulating the person will be better than if you had used a You-Statement! If you are not daring and focused enough, you can never get past the “thinking” stage of getting work done. Does the use of You-Statements or I-Statements make that much of a difference in how people react to bad news? Just keep in mind that your mileage may vary. The reason may be because their behavior is hurting me, but I still expect them to change. When people are excessively passive or intrusive, using an I-statement is the last thing you want to do. Or responds negatively because it's uncomfortable to be straight forward. And you will experience the “first action effect” that makes it easy to stay productive. Maybe I am not that unusual. You Don’t Feel You Deserve Your Partner. The best way I have found to counteract this reaction is to continuously switch between the two statements. In a marriage, says Gottman, the proper place for empathy is "colluding to trash a third party, for which there appears to be no more satisfying way of engendering solidarity and we-ness." But what the I statement communicates is that there's a problem with me - and therefore it's unreasonable for me to expect her to change, or to take actions that affect her, based on my problem. The way that you feel about "I statements" of the owning-one's-thoughts-and-feelings variety is exactly in alignment with how these statements are supposed to operate in standard counseling theory. Eventually, all the other marital therapies followed his lead. I do believe I statements are a kinder, LESS defense producing way of saying it. And it's the word that follows other, rather, less, and more. I should know better. Quite a bit of research suggests that we tend to think about the distant past more abstractly than we think about the present. I feel like you do after my husband was murdered a year ago and then my beloved dog died. Instead of attempting to influence a client, a non-directive therapist aims to create a safe space in counseling sessions for clients to express themselves, to increase their self-awareness, and to choose their own course of personal growth. How other people will react to that will probably depend on a lot of factors and would be difficult to predict. Just because you are in a good place in life doesn't always mean you'll feel good, and sometimes, when life is feeling pretty crummy, you can weirdly feel … Do men respond differently than women? Thank you for sharing and for showing solidarity, Michelle. So all this talk about being self-disclosing and non-directive with I-Statements strikes me as a little disingenuous. What I want really is to say that I don't think it's ok to talk to me that way, and that either she needs to change her behavior or we can't have a close relationship. You bring up an important, subtle point about which "I statements" are completely non-coercive: Only when "I statements" are accompanied by being totally okay with however the person chooses to respond--including ignoring the "I statement.". You may feel at fault, but having grown up in a much more accusatory, bombastic household, believe me. Doing so is indeed kinder and more civil than some of the alternatives, which truly make me shiver. I would be wise to count my blessings when others use I statements when they want me to change my behavior. Ultimately how the other person behaves is not in their control. Others will take the I-statement at face value. I just want to isolate myself so people won’t try to tell me to feel better when I can’t. "Maybe???" It would be a different story if the client complained about the counselor, who might consider this to be resistance and would no longer empathize with the client. I think the reality is that the other person IS doing something that is negatively affecting you and should realize they are causing it (I guess at "blame", but "blame" sounds negative/counterproductive). Appropriate use of I statements can be part of this lesson. What it comes down to in my mind is that you are asking the person to change a behavior, not expecting yourself to change your reaction and describing that process to the other person (as so astutely described in your article.). It isn’t until you actually become generous that you can say that giving is important to you. When you do, I suspect you will see patterns start to show up by the different temperaments. This word is used especially about men and their attitude towards women. By the way, in Gordon's history of his model, he actually admits that I-Messages can make the other person feel blamed and defensive. Being overwhelmed with many things to do and no sense of priority (no deadlines) usually means nothing will get done. Every time you put something off, it’s put into a queue, and nearly everything in that order of things to do may NEVER get done. Being a Doer instead of just a Thinker requires an insane amount of discipline and commitment. Lots of the specific things that are happening right now involve the petty annoyances that you have to deal with to navigate daily life. I agree that using I-statements can be a useful tool for developing intrapersonal awareness. If your spouse constantly forgets to pay the bill, then you take it over.